This summer marks the first time in a few years that I have been able to visit my grandparents for a substantial length of time. For me, visiting my grandparents is an incredible treat, and a chance to be spoiled rotten. It is also a time of being judged and found wanting, a time of diets, a time of feeling starvation like a punch to the gut.

My grandma has been dieting, and forcing my mom to diet, longer than I've been alive. This, in turn, makes her think that she is the greatest expert available on what I need in order to be "perfect".
Every year that I visit her, I end up being put on some kind of diet that is heavily enforced. If I go off the diet, I am "bad". Admittedly, I lose weight like nobody's business with that attitude, but I just gain it back, and then some when I go back to the States.

I'm tired of this sick relationship that I have with food. It's not good, or right, or healthy. Instead, I run around with nausea, and a headache, and this stupid constant hunger gnawing at my gut, which my brain refuses to acknowledge.
My grandma's brilliant plan this year, was "re-coding". Essentially, it is messing with the subconcious response towards food. I hate it. Spices aren't allowed. I'm already counting down the days to going back to the States and proper eating. Admittedly, I have learned some lessons that I will take back with me and continue to implement. But the fact of the matter remains. I want to develop a healthy symbiotic relationship with food, not this farce. One good thing is that I will be living off-campus, and be able to prepare my own food. Another is that I won't be on a school meal plan, so I will be dependent on myself for sustenance, not whatever is closest and easiest to reach. I hope to settle into a habit of making myself food on the weekend, for the coming week.

I plan to use this blog as a means of tracking my progress. Hopefully, accountability will ensure that slipping will be minimal.