If wishes were horses, fools would ride

Or at least I would.

I've been spending the last two weeks or so reading the backlogs of Crazy Aunt Purl. The more I read her stuff, the more my own dreams. And desires coalese into a quantifiable whole. I want:
A boy
A cat (preferably several)
Yarn
Control over my own life and finances. I want a job where I do the honest work instead or running around a house and then being berated constantly about the amount of money I have doesn't even though it is necessary for keeping the household fed and taken care of. I want to know how much I can spend on what instead of being given arbitrary conditions to meet that have next to no relation to the real world. I want to live away from my parents, and no be yelled at or berated or put down or mocked. I'm tired of it. I hate it. I want out. But as it stands, I see no way out. I can only hope that my last year of college will give me the skills and sources necessary for carving my own way.
I want a Budget
I want a job
I want my own place, where I can lock the door and no one will walk in unless I open it.
I want my freedom and I want time
I want to grow up. I've done a lot of eit in the past couple of years, but I still feel that it's not enough.
I want my parents to get he help/kick in the pants that they need to settle their differences and go on their way or to get back together. I don't care which.
Gypsy blood thoug I may have, I want to settle down, at least for a couple of years.
I want to graduate with good grades.
I want to loose weight. I hate my body as it is right now, but I still feel too lazy to do anything properly about it.
I want... I know I want more than this.I want a kick in the pants. I want motivation

I also know that what I need is the motivation to work for everything else on my list. I'm well aware that just wanting smething isn't going to make it happen. I know that I must be the change that I wish to see in the world. I just wish I had the faintest ideas of how to go about doing such a thing. Nothing I've learned had ever explained how that happened. I want to work in a yarn shop. I want to help people for all that I'm a pretty closeted introvert. I like to help. I want to find a way out of this terrible ennui that has seized me. I'm well aware that by my own nature I'm fairly lazy, but that if I put my mind to it, I can work like the Horsse that I am. I want to be a person that my grandparents, that my mom, that my little brother would be proud to claim as family.

I wish I knew where to look for a kick in e pants.

On the knitting front, I've broken my habit of knitting only when I'm stressed... At least I like to think that I have, in reality, what's probably happened is that I've become stressed again. Living with parents sucks past a certain age. Currently, I'm trying to finish a blanket that I've started but botched part of and a casae for a new techy toy. I just hope it doesn't get taken away. I might go and knit after this post, since sleep has been a long otime coming as of late.

I will break free of this ennui. I just wish I knew how.

The end of the tunnel (or now)

I have come to realize that I'm not a very good blogger. The problem lies in the fact that I am fairly shy and like to present the best possible image of myself. I generally write my entries out in word, allowing myself the time necessary to edit everything until it sounds just right. Its the secret English major in me. The light has been reached at least for this year. Ive one well.

I knit in times of stress. I thought that with summer here it would be a relatively stress free time for me and that I wouldn't get much knitting done. Unfortunately, several family issues have had me retreating into my little corner of the basement with wool packed around me to muffle the screaming. This time, instead of my usual hat bonanza, I've been knitting lace. That had been a surprise addiction. One minute I've just started my first shaw être next I've got three or four lying around. I'm dazed, I'm shaky, and I have idea where they came from.

Spinning turned out to not be the right pursuit for me. I'm annoyingly perfectionistic sometimes an I though that spinning would go like knitting for me. Knitting, I picked up and it just went and soon I was churning out knitting by the second. Spinning was nothing like that. Instead, my little brother managed to pick it up much faster than I did. He has the same perfectionistic tendencies that I do, but more so. It make for interesting competition.